


What Is This Feeling?

by randomfandom0817



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fist Fights, Guns, Knives, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Endgame, Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Wilson is a Gift, everyone is done with steve's shit, fairly canon-compliant, you know the deal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:16:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomfandom0817/pseuds/randomfandom0817
Summary: Title inspired by Wicked because Sam and Bucky have a Galinda/Elphaba dynamic and y'all can fight me on thatWhen Steve takes off to Europe to be an outlaw vigilante, Sam is left in Wakanda with Bucky, who he doesn't trust at all. But he keeps finding himself coming back to Bucky's farm to talk with the man rediscovering who he is. Hatred turns to cautiousness, cautiousness turns to friendship, friendship turns to... wait, are these feelings?





	1. Chapter 1

****

Things were always tense between Sam and Barnes. Perhaps the Winter Soldier’s attempt to kill Sam had something to do with it. 

Then came what the media dubbed “the Avengers’ Civil War.” The Battle at the airport was rough for everyone, but being paired with Barnes was the worst for Sam. But the real kicker was when Steve suggested when the ex-assassin live with Sam while they worked out the legal issues they faced. Thankfully, Sam was able to find an apartment in the sanctuary of Wakanda, in the shade of T’Challa’s hospitality.

It wasn’t that Barnes was a bad roommate. He was considerate, clean, and helpful with daily chores. But Sam still didn’t trust him. Barnes didn’t speak much at all in the house. If he did, it was in quiet mutters in a language other than English. Sam suspected it was Russian. 

Barnes was also much more clumsy, missing an arm and all. The amount of mornings Sam had found him attempting to sweep a plate or mug into a dust pan with only one arm were becoming too much to count. Sam decided to go out and buy shatter-proof plates after he realized he was down to a total of three. 

“You’re really running me broke here, Barnes,” Sam said, setting the box with the new plates on the kitchen counter where Bucky was pouring his fifth cup of coffee. 

“Sorry,” Barnes muttered.

“Hey, isn’t that like your fourth mug of coffee?” he asked, nodding to the Smithsonian mug in Bucky’s hand. 

“Fifth.”

“How are you not dead from caffeine overdose?” Sam said, looking over Barnes’s face. Barnes grunted in reply before slipping back into his bedroom. Sam sighed, shaking his head as he opened the box of plates.

Eventually, things mellowed out for a while. Barnes was like a ghost living in Sam’s house, hardly seen but you knew he was there. Sam was able to deal with Barnes then.

Until he rediscovered his smoking habit.

Barnes wasn’t inconsiderate about it, though. He went outside the apartment to smoke and made sure to dispose of the cigarette butts properly. What pissed Sam off is when he could smell the smoke through his open windows.

“Hey, asshole, you know those things can kill you,” Sam hollered through his window by the balcony.

“Yeah, a few straws of nicotine are gonna kill the goddamn Winter Soldier,” Barnes yelled back. “I welcome it if they do!”

Sam sat back, falling silent at that comment. He got up and threw on a jacket before walking out onto the balcony to join Barnes. “Are you okay, man?” Sam asked him, holding onto the railing. “I mean, I know I give you shit, but if something’s actually going on-”

“I’m fine, Wilson,” Barnes snapped, snuffing out his cigarette. “Just go back to bed.” He tossed the butt into the pail on the floor and grabbed the half-empty box off the railing, stuffing it in his jacket. Sam watched Barnes walk back into the apartment, slamming the patio door behind him.

Sam sighed and walked back to his room, settling back into bed. Just as he was drifting back to sleep, he was woken up by Barnes screaming. Sam grabbed his gun off his bedside and cautiously made his way to his room. Barnes kept his door closed and locked, so when Sam found it unlocked, he was even more on edge. He slowly opened the door and sighed in relief when he only found Barnes in the room. He was tossing and turning in the bed, his face scrunched as if in pain. 

Sam carefully walked towards the bed, sitting on the edge. 

“Barnes. Barnes, you’re alright,” Sam said. He rested his hand on Barnes’s arm. “HYDRA isn’t here, you’re alright. You’re safe.”

* * *

****   
  
  


Sam was woken up at about six in the morning when his front door slammed closed. He bolted up and walked out to see what was going on. He found a note in surprisingly neat writing. Apparently Barnes was going to meet with Steve and T’Challa about his recovery. But that was all the note said. Sam walked back to his bedroom and tried to fall back to sleep. Finding sleep elusive, he opened up the bottom drawer of his night stand, moving some papers around, uncovering the red notebook. 

_ “You know I trust you, Sam,” Steve said as he handed him the book. “Keep this safe, until we can figure out how to help Buck.” _

Sam flicked through the notebook with careful hands, gentle of the brittle pages. Most of the writing was in Russia or German, so Sam couldn’t actually read it. But he knew what the list of words could turn Barnes into. 

As he stuffed the book back into the drawer, his cell phone started ringing. 

“Hello?”

“Sam, it’s Steve. Can you come to T’Challa’s palace?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“I thought Bucky told you? He’s going back into cryostasis until the scientists figure out how to get rid of HYDRA’s influence.”

“No, he didn’t tell me. I’ll be right there, Steve.”

Sam got to the palace and was ushered into the room where Steve was waiting. The first thing Sam noticed about the room was the giant tube encasing a sleeping Barnes. Steve followed Sam’s eyeline. 

“He looks so peaceful in there, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, real peaceful,” Sam said. “You’d never know he tried to throw me off a helicarrier.”

“Are you still on about that? You know it wasn’t really him.”

“Yeah, but it still was, Steve. It may not have been Barnes, but it was still his body carrying out the actions.”

Before the conversation could continue, T’Challa’s sister and one of the top scientists in Wakanda entered the room. 

“Captain Rogers, Mister Wilson,” she greeting. “I am told there is a notebook with HYDRA’s secrets about the Winter Soldier?”

“Yes, Sam has it in his apartment.”

“Well, I am going to need it if you want me to fix your friend.” She pulled up a holographic image and started messing with the numbers displayed. “And I’m going to need to know as much about him as possible. But you should know, Captain. He’s not going to be the same James Barnes you remember from your childhood.”

“I know that.”

“Do you, Captain Rogers?”


	2. Chapter 2

Sam had the apartment to himself for the first time since the fight with the other Avengers. And he felt lonely. He’d lived alone for years after getting back from the air force, why did he suddenly feel so lonely?

 

Sam found himself visiting the palace fairly often. He’d just sit in the room where they were keeping Barnes, watching as Shuri worked on him with Wakanda’s advanced tech.

 

“Welcome back, Wilson,” Shuri said one morning when Sam came into the room. She took a sip of her tea before opening up a toolbox. “You should be happy to hear Rogers is visiting today.”

 

“He is? Why?”

 

“He insists on checking in on Mr. Barnes,” Shuri said, messing around with equations on her holographic computer system. “He just better not get in my way.”

 

Steve got there a few hours later, with Natasha in tow. She looked bored out of her mind as she followed Steve into the room with Sam. 

 

“Captain Rogers, Mister Wilson, Miss Romanov,” Shuri said, nodding to the trio.

 

“How is he?” Steve asked, walking over to the cryo chamber. 

 

“We are making progress. I’ve been developing some treatments for his recovery. We should be bringing him out soon.”

 

“That’s-”

 

“Before you get excited, Captain,” Shuri said, holding her hand up, “his recovery process requires minimal contact from people he tried to kill or people his victims were tied to while he was under HYDRA’s influence.”

 

“So, basically, that means that the three of us can’t be around him,” Natasha said. “Wow, Sam, this must make you pretty happy. An excuse for you to avoid Barnes.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Sam said.

 

“You okay, Sam? You seem distracted,” Steve said. 

 

“I’m fine, just have a lot of work stuff on my mind.”

 

Nat looked at him skeptically, but Steve accepted the excuse and went back to looking solemnly at Bucky’s sleeping figure. 

 

“What does the recovery involve?” Nat asked. “Just out of curiosity. HYDRA did a number on him.”

 

“We’re going to try to set him up in a peaceful place where he can develop a routine. I found the best therapist for him to go to while he’s sorting through his memories. I will keep you all updated weekly, if you would like.”

 

“Yes, definitely. Thank you, Shuri,” Steve said. 

 

“Mr. Wilson? Ms. Romanov?”

 

“I’m good. I can get the information from Steve,” Nat said.

 

“Mr. Wilson?”

 

“Um, sure, I guess. Why not?”

 

“Great. Now get out so I can get back to work.” She shooed them out of the room, slamming the door behind them. “Oh, thank god. Let’s get you fixed up here, Sergeant Barnes,” she muttered, adjusting the measurements of the replacement arm she was building. 

* * *

  
  


Sam’s apartment complex overlooked a decent-sized lake. Across from that lake was the small goat farm Shuri had set Barnes up in. Sam swore if he squinted he could see the man’s hut. He often found himself wondering how the man was faring without Steve, how many memories he was rediscovering. Shuri had him in an abundance of classes to catch him up on everything that happened while he was with HYDRA and on the run. Most of them were history, but a few were meant as a way to get Barnes his GED. Apparently, Barnes had dropped out of school at 14 to join the workforce. The weekly emails Shuri sent out catalogued his slow, yet steady progress.

 

After a few months, Shuri brought Sam to the hut where Bucky was living.

 

“Why are you bringing me?” Sam asked her. “You know we don’t get along. Last time we talked didn’t end too well.”

 

Shuri shook her head. “You two just need to talk. He feels bad about it, you know. Talks about what he did a lot. And I have a feeling the two of you can find some common ground in the realm of Captain Rogers’ stupid decisions. She smiled before knocking on the door to Bucky’s hut.

 

“Bucky! We’re here!” she called.

 

The door opened and Sam had to stifle a laugh.

 

“Oh, my god. You look like White Jesus,” Sam said, taking in Barnes with the robes and the long hair pulled up into a bun. 

 

Bucky smiled. “It’s great to see you too, Wilson.”

 

“I’m going to leave you two be,” Shuri said, walking back towards the palace. “Please don’t wound each other.”

 

Bucky cleared his throat. “Hey, Wilson, I, uh, I wanted to say I’m sorry. For, you know, trying to murder you.”

 

“You know what, Barnes? I’ve thought about that a lot too, and I’m not really mad about it anymore. I mean, I still think you’re kind of a dick, though.”

 

Bucky smiled a bit before the two fell into a slightly awkward silence.

 

“So. Uh, Shuri said you’re recovering memories pretty well?”

 

“Some of them,” Bucky said. “Lots of Steve getting his ass kicked.”

 

Sam laughed. “Yeah, well, he’s still doing that. So, how’s goat-herding going?”

 

“Uh, well, it can be hard with just the one arm sometimes but,” he shrugged, “I manage.”

 

“So, do you have any particularly interesting memories of Steve?”

 

Bucky laughed. “Sure do. I’ll make you some tea and I can share my 1940s stories while you share the stupid things he’s done since being defrosted.”

 

Over time, Bucky and Sam formed a friendship. Of course, they still made jabs at each other and insulted each other all the time, but that’s just what friends do.

 

* * *

  
  


Sam sighed, heading home after a long day of counseling at Wakanda’s version of the VA. As he got to his apartment complex, he heard his phone chime with a text. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to see what Steve was telling him. Apparently, they had found Wanda and Vision, but some aliens attacked them and Vision was in critical condition. Sam quickly typed a reply saying he would meet up with them as soon as possible. They had also found Banner, by some twist of luck, and were coming in with Rhodey as well. Sam quickly tossed his work stuff down and changed so he could make his way to where they were all meeting up. 

 

“There’s going to be a fight,” Steve warned everyone when they all met in a conference room. “Thanos is making plans to get the Infinity Stones. He sent some of his minions out to try and kill Vision.”

 

“Great. We never can rest, can we?” Sam said.

 

“Apparently not, Mr. Wilson,” T’Challa said. “Shuri, are you sure the sergeant is ready for another battle?”

 

“I’m sure,” she said. “He’s made a lot of progress, and I don’t think he’d be content to just sit on the sidelines. Not when Captain Rogers is risking his life.”

 

“Where is he?” Steve asked. 

 

“He’s getting suited up for the fight,” Shuri told him. “Come on, I’ll take you to see him.”

 

They walked down to the front of the palace where the armies were suiting up, preparing to go into the battle that was inevitably coming. Steve’s face broke into a wide smile when he saw Barnes.

 

“How are you doin’, Buck?” Steve asked. 

 

“Pretty good for a semi-stable 100-year old man,” Bucky laughed as Steve wrapped him in a hug. Barnes gave Sam a small smile over Steve’s shoulder. “Also, I hate the beard, man. Hate it.”

 

Steve laughed. “Thanks, Buck. Missed you too.”

 

“You know, Cap, I actually agree with Barnes for once. The beard is terrible.”

 

“Oh, screw you, Sam.”

 

Sam laughed and followed Steve to their waiting posts.

  
  


The battle wasn’t easy. While there were more casualties on Thanos’s side, it was still hell for the people fighting for Earth. The Avengers ran into the forest to try to stop Thanos from killing Vision and stealing the mind stone. Wanda did her best to hold him off, but she could only last for so long. Thanos collected all the stones. 

 

Sam was wandering through the woods, trying to find someone else. He felt his arm start to tingle. Before he knew it, half his body was turned to ash, the rest of him following quickly. 

 

Then the world went dark.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke up alone in the woods of Wakanda. He looked around, trying to figure out what had happened. He stood up and gathered himself before he began to walk around.

 

“Sam!”

 

He spun around to see Bucky jogging towards him.

 

“Barnes. Where’s everyone else?” Sam asked as Bucky skidded to a halt in front of him.

 

“I don’t know. I woke up and Steve was gone. You were the first person I found.”

 

“Okay, well, we should get out of these woods and try and figure it out. Come on.”

 

Bucky followed Sam out of the forest to the clearing where they found a crowd of people gathered. Bucky scanned the crowd and grabbed Sam’s arm, pulling him along.

 

“Shuri!” Bucky said, walking over to the princess and her brother. “What happened?”

 

“Thanos wiped out half the population. Apparently it’s been five years,” she said.

 

“Wait, five years?” Sam asked. “It felt like I was just asleep for five minutes.”

 

Bucky gasped. “My goats!”

 

“What?”

 

“My _goats_ , Sam! My fuckin’ goats! There’s been no one taking care of them for five years, I have to-”

 

“Barnes. We have bigger things to worry about right now,” Sam said. “Like finding the others.”

 

He sighed. “You’re right. Do we have any idea where-”

 

Before Bucky could finish, a portal opened up and a flood of people came through. Leading them was a man in a red cloak.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Sam asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“My name is Doctor Strange. I’m here to bring you to the final fight.”

 

“Wait, you’re going to take us there?”

 

Instead of answering, Strange started opening another portal.

 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Sam said. “Can you open it on Cap’s left?”

 

“What?”

 

“Can you open the portal on Captain America’s left? It’s for a joke, he’ll know what it means. Please?”

 

“Uh… Okay. I-I don’t understand but-”

 

“Yes! It’s so gonna be worth it, I promise.”

 

* * *

  


The battle wasn’t easy. They’d lost Natasha, and countless other warriors. In the end, it was Tony who defeated Thanos, and Tony who lost his life. It hit everyone hard. It hit Sam harder when he found out he and Pepper had a daughter, Morgan. But it seemed to have the worst effect on Bucky.

 

He was sitting on the grass by the lake, staring out at the horizon. Sam sighed and lowered himself to sit next to Bucky.

 

“Hey, man. You okay?”

 

Bucky shook his head and muttered something.

 

“What was that?”

 

“I never got to apologize,” he said, picking a blade of grass and twisting it in his fingers. “I never got to apologize for murdering his parents. I ruined his life and I didn’t even get to tell him how bad I feel.”

 

“You know that wasn’t you, Barnes. None of it was. You were kidnapped and brainwashed, turned into a weapon. It wasn’t you.”

 

“But it was, Sam. I was the one holding the gun, I was the one who followed the orders. I could have fought harder. But I didn’t.”

 

Sam sighed. “James, listen to me, please. You had no control over what you did. You didn’t even know who you were. And I don’t know if Stark realized that, but most of us did. We know you weren’t really you.”

 

“He has a kid, Sam. He has a fucking kid. She’s going to grow up without her father and…” He cut himself off, shaking his head.

 

Sam noticed the tear rolling down Bucky’s face. And if Sam pulled Bucky close and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder, playing with his hair, that’s no one’s business but Sam’s.

  


* * *

  
  


Sam and Bucky were stood with Bruce-Hulk and Steve, who was going to return the stones.

 

“How long is this going to take?” Sam asked.

 

“For us, five seconds. For him, as long as he needs.” Sam and Bucky stood together as Steve flashed to the past. Bruce clicked on the control panel and said, “Bringing him back in 5… 4… 3… 2…” He pressed the button, but nothing happened. “He missed the dropoff point.”

 

A few seconds later, there was another burst of light, and Bucky nudged Sam’s arm.

 

“Sam.”

 

He looked up and saw a figure sitting on the bench by the lake. He knew it was Steve. He looked at Bucky, who just smiled and nodded towards Steve. Sam made his way over and felt his breath catch a bit when he realized he was old. _Old_ old.

 

“You stayed,” Sam stated, sitting next to Steve.

 

“I did,” he chuckled in his weird old-man voice. “Someone told me I should get a life. So I did.”

 

Sam looked at Steve, noticing the ring on his hand. “You gonna tell us about her?”

 

He looked across the lake. “No. I don’t think I will.”

 

Sam laughed and looked out at the sunset. “I take it this means you’re retiring. Shame. THe world’s gonna miss having Captain America to save its ass.”

 

“Actually,” Steve said, reaching for the round backpack next to him. He unzipped it, pulling the shield out. “I thought maybe Captain America could stay.”

 

“You… want me to be Cap? What-what about Barnes?”

 

Steve smiled and gently pushed the shield into Sam’s hand. “Bucky’s been through hell and back. And he’s still technically a criminal Believe me, I put a lot of thought into this. And, I think, right now, _you’re_ the Captain America that the world needs. Go ahead, put it on. Give the shield a try.”

 

Sam smiled and stood up, tightening the straps on his arm. “It’s heavier than I imagined.”

 

Steve laughed and clapped Sam on the shoulder. Sam smiled, and looked back at Bucky, who was also smiling. But the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Well, I’m going to go talk to Bruce,” Old Steve said, groaning as he stood up, leaning on his cane.

 

“Right,” Sam said, taking the shield off his arm and making his way over to Bucky. “Hey, man. You okay?”

 

“Fine,” Bucky said, still smiling. “Never thought I’d get to see Steve as an old man.”

 

“You’re not fine,” Sam said, looking him over. “Come on, we’ll go talk.”

 

Bucky followed Sam to the porch of the Stark-Potts house where they sat on the wicker chairs.

 

“What’s really bothering you?”

 

“I told you, Sam, I’m fine.”

 

“Barnes.”

 

Bucky gave a mirthless laugh. “We always said we’d be together ‘til the end of the line. Just… I didn’t think the end of the line would come so soon. I thought I’d have some time to catch up with Steve.” He shook his head. “But he still had that compass. He still had that _fucking_ compass. You know, I might still be a bit spotty with my memories, but I still remember that damn compass.” Bucky rubbed his metal hand with his flesh one. “Steve’s never been able to let go of the past. I knew he would go back as soon as I saw he still had her picture in that compass.” Bucky felt himself tearing up, but he didn’t care. “After all we went through, I thought he might hang around just a bit longer. But I guess it makes sense. He probably wanted the Bucky he knew back.”

 

“Whoa, hey, that’s not true.”

 

“Isn’t it? I mean, I have huge chunks of my past just _missing_. But what I do remember, I know I’m not the same James Buchanan Barnes. That Bucky was this-this suave, quick-witted ladies' man. And I’m definitely not that.” He shook his head. “I’m not who I used to be. I don’t think I ever will be.”

 

Sam sighed. “No one expects you to be the same person, Barnes. You went through hell for over 70 years. You don’t come out of that the same.”

 

Bucky sighed, looking out at the forest by the cabin. “Maybe you’re right.”

 

“Of course I’m right. I’m Captain America now.”

 

That got a real laugh out of Bucky. Sam smiled and lightly punched his arm.

 

“I’m heading back to Wakanda tomorrow,” Bucky told Sam.

 

“What?”

 

“Well, I can’t stay here. I’m still a fugitive, and I need to find out what happened to my goats.”

 

“Oh, my god. You and your fucking goats.”

 

“I care about my goats, Sam!”


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky did go back to Wakanda the next morning. He said his goodbyes to Sam and Steve before getting on the jet with T’Challa and Shuri. 

 

Sam stayed in America to talk with Fury and Hill about transferring the shield from Steve to himself, as well as clearing the names of the Avengers, and Barnes. It was a lot of paperwork, and a lot of yelling with Ross. 

 

“Look, we’ll sign the Accords if a few revisions are made,” Sam promised after the third week of debate, running his forehead. 

 

“What kind of revisions?” Secretary Ross asked. 

 

“Well, there are superheroes popping up all over the world now, right? What if we made some kind of Avengers International program? You know, fight the battles in your own land unless you need backup, in which case you call us. Unless it’s a HYDRA problem, in which case SHIELD takes over.”

 

“Why should SHIELD take over if it’s a HYDRA problem?” Ross asked, crossing his arms across his chest.

 

“Well, it was literally founded to stop HYDRA almost a century ago, so I’m pretty sure they’re more equipped to handle them.”

 

“He has a point,” Rhodey said, nodding towards Sam. “I think these amendments to the Accords are reasonable.”

 

“I also want James Barnes’s name to be cleared.”

 

“What? No way. No.”

 

“Are you serious? Look, you can’t honestly hold him responsible for his actions when he was under HYDRA’s command. Do you still blame Clint Barton for what he did when Loki controlled his mind?”

 

“Well, no, but-”

 

“It’s the same damn concept, Mr. Secretary. Barnes had absolutely no control over what he did under HYDRA. THey pretty much threw his brain in a blender and treated him like a fucking machine. He suffered so much under HYDRA, and you’re trying to make him suffer more? You know, he still can’t eat the amount he needs because of how malnourished HYDRA kept him. When we shared an apartment, do you have any idea how many times he woke up screaming from a nightmare? Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is to see him shaking and scared? He is  _ not  _ that killer HYDRA forced him to be. He’s been going to therapy regularly and he’s been trying to get his memories back in order. He’s a big old dork who loves animals and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he’s a criminal. He’s been through hell, he shouldn’t have to continue going through it.”

 

Secretary Ross looked at Sam, analyzing his face. “All right. But only if he goes to therapy and regularly reports his progress.”

 

Sam sighed. “Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

 

“Now, about Rogers. How are we handling the media situation?”

 

Maria launched into the spiel about the cover story for Steve while Sam zoned out, his mind drifting to Bucky and how great it would feel to tell him he could come back. 

 

* * *

  
  


Sam landed in Wakanda and almost ran off the jet. Fury was letting him give Barnes the news and he didn’t know why he felt so excited. He made his way to Bucky’s hut, only to find out from one of the kids he wasn’t there. Apparently he was spending the day in the palace with Shuri, learning about Wakandan tech and learning more about pop culture. Sam made his way to Shuri’s lab, still excited to tell Bucky the news. 

 

“So, you don’t have to even touch the wheel to drive the car?” Sam heard Bucky ask when he reached the lab. “That’s so cool! You know, Howard Stark tried to make a flying car in the 40s. I went to see it at an expo the night before I shipped out and- wait, I told you this story already, didn’t I?”

 

Sam poked his head in to see Shuri smiling at Bucky. “Yes, you did. But remember what your therapist said? The more you repeat something from your past, the more it’ll stick.”

 

“Knock-knock,” Sam said, stepping into the room.

 

“Sam!” Bucky said, walking over and briefly hugging him. Sam noticed he didn’t have his arm attached. “What are you doing here? I thought you had things to do in America.”

 

“Well, I do. But I got some news I couldn’t wait to share.”

 

“Alright, I’ll bite. What happened?” Bucky asked.

 

“Well, as of two days ago, all of the misdeeds you did while under HYDRA’s control have been 100% pardoned.”

 

Bucky crossed his arm across his chest. “What’s the catch?”

 

“Nothing too bad,” Sam said. “Just, uh, more therapy with mandatory check-ins with Ross.”

 

Bucky let out a dry laugh. “Okay. So, my options are stay in Wakanda, where I’m welcomed and have people that care about me and I'm  _ not  _ seen as a threat, or go back to America, where I’ll be treated as clinically insane indefinitely.”

 

“What? James, that’s not what it is.”

 

“Isn’t it, Sam? Isn’t it? Because no matter how hard I try or what I do, the States are still going to see me as an assassin and a HYDRA agent.”

 

Sam sighed. “I tried, Barnes, I really did. I tried so hard to get them to clear your name.”

 

“Why? Why go through all that hassle for me?”

 

“Because you’re my friend, James. And I care about you. And, oh, god, I’m gonna regret saying this, I miss living with you. I miss when we were roommates. I didn’t feel as alone. And I really can’t be Captain America and live in Wakanda.”

 

Bucky looked at Sam, scanning his face. “You’re being honest?”

 

“Why would I make up a lie like that when I know you can use it as blackmail later?”

 

Barnes smiled at Sam. “I guess you’re right.” He sighed. “Maybe the conditions aren’t really all that bad. I mean, they could have actually put me in an asylum.”

 

“So, are you going to come back?” Sam asked. 

 

Barnes sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

 

* * *

  
  


Sam found Bucky sitting in front of his hut, a baby goat on his lap. 

 

“Hey man,” he said, walking up. “I have to head back home. You make a decision?”

 

He sighed and stood up, the kid still in his arms. “Yeah. I was, uh, I was saying goodbye.” He kissed the head of the goat before setting it on the ground to run off. “I’m gonna go back. I figure Captain America needs a sidekick. You know, since the bird guy is gone now.”

 

Sam scoffed and punched Bucky’s flesh arm. “Come on, you loser. Let’s go home.”


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky was lounging on the couch, his nose buried in a book. He was so focused on the story he didn’t hear Sam come in. Sam dropped his tactical bag and pulled off his newly designed Captain America jacket with a sigh. He started taking the weapons out of their holsters, watching as Bucky kept his attention on his book. 

 

“What are you reading now?” He asked, double-checking the safety on one of the guns.

 

Bucky held up the book. “ _Prince Caspian_ ,” he said, flicking the page.

 

“You’re really enjoying Narnia, huh?” Sam asked, pulling off his bullet-proof vest.

 

“Actually, yeah. I mean, growing up, you couldn’t not know Tolkien and Lewis in our house. My sister was obsessed. She had a copy of _The Pilgrim’s Regress_ that was barely holding onto the spine. And Ma used to read us _The Hobbit_ as a bedtime story.”

 

“You know, they turned that book into a movie trilogy. Shuri make you watch it yet?”

 

“No, but I’ve heard the movies are good.”

 

“What? She hasn’t made you watch them yet? Okay, clear your Tuesday plans.”

 

“But I already-”

 

“You and I are going to have a movie marathon, and you’re going to love it.”

 

Bucky smiled at him. “All right. It’ll be fun.”

 

“Awesome! Alright, I’m gonna go shower. Chinese or pizza for dinner?”

 

* * *

 

 

“What tv show do you have picked out for tonight?” Bucky asked when they settled onto the couch with their containers of Chinese takeout. 

 

“I thought we could watch a few episodes of Chopped,” Sam suggested. 

 

“Sounds fun,” Bucky said, crossing his legs.

 

Sam groaned and nudged him to the side. “Move your fuckin’ legs, Barnes.”

 

Bucky laughed and shifted so he didn’t take up the entire couch. “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.”

 

“About what? My need for personal space?”

 

“No. Why you continue to call me Barnes. You can call me Bucky, Sam.”

 

“I’m not calling you Bucky. It’s a stupid nickname, and it’s from a past-you that isn’t who current-you is.”

 

Bucky turned to look at Sam. “So you’re going to stick to calling me Barnes?”

 

“Well, no. Not if I find a nickname that fits you better.” He offered Bucky a soft smile.

  


* * *

 

 

“So, Mr. Wilson,” Fury said, shuffling some papers on his desk. “You know Mr. Barnes. Is he ready to join you in the field?”

 

“You know, I think he might be. I know if you ask him, he’ll say he is, because that’s just who he is. But I honestly believe he’s ready.”

 

Fury nodded. “Good. Now, get out of my office and send him in here.”

 

Sam pushed up from the chair and stepped out of Fury’s office. “You’re up, Barnes.”

 

Bucky stood up. “Good news?”

 

“Kind of,” Sam said. “Just get in there before he starts yelling at you to hurry your ass up.”

 

* * *

 

 

“We have a mission for you two,” Maria said. “It should be an easy in and out. We just need you to gather intel from an old HYDRA base. From what we have now, it looks deserted, but we can’t know for sure.”

 

“What kind of intel?” Sam asked, flicking through the mission file. “What are we trying to gain from an abandoned base?”

 

“We think there might be information hidden on the current leaders. Where their safehouses are, what they’re planning, et cetera.”

 

“Got it,” Sam said, passing the folder to Bucky. “We’ll go suit up.”

 

As the two walked towards the quinjet, Sam noticed Bucky was keeping his eyes on the ground. 

 

“You alright, man?”

 

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine. Just… It’s my first time going back to a HYDRA base since I’ve been cleared. What if I’m not really free of the programming? What if there’s still some there?”

 

“Barnes,” Sam said, stopping and turning towards him. “Do you know how hard Shuri worked to check and triple-check that all that shit was out of your system? I promise you, you’ll be fine. Those words are just that, words. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m okay. Let’s go.”

  


The mission didn’t go quite as smoothly as planned. Apparently the base was not abandoned like SHIELD thought. Sam and Bucky fought through the agents, but ultimately had to pull back. Only they didn’t pull back in time. Sam took a brutal hit, knocking him unconscious. 

 

* * *

  


Sam woke up to blinding white lights and machines beeping. He slowly opened his eyes and quickly realized he was in a hospital bed. And he wasn’t alone in the room. Looking to his right, he saw Bucky slumped in the uncomfortable visitor’s chair, asleep. His hair was in greasy curtains around his face and there was a large bandage across his forehead.

 

Sam shifted in the bed so he could reach Bucky. He flicked his face. “Hey, asshole.”

 

Bucky slowly opened his eyes, blinking in the harsh light of the room. “Hey, you’re awake,” he said, smiling at Sam.

 

“How long have you been here?” Sam asked, looking at Bucky. He’d changed out of his mission suit, opting instead for jeans and a sweatshirt. One of Sam’s sweatshirts.

 

He looked at his watch. “Almost 71 hours.”

 

“Did you go home at all?” Sam asked him, sitting up in the hospital bed.

 

“I didn’t want you to be alone when you woke up,” Bucky said, like it answered Sam’s question.

  
Sam shook his head, trying not to smile. “You’re an idiot, Barnes, you know that?” In the back of his mind, a voice said _But he’s_ your _idiot_. Sam pushed that voice away, ignoring it the best he could. He wasn’t going to think about what it meant. He and Barnes were just friends.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a short filler, pure winterfalcon fluff

Sam came home from a long day of press conferences and just wanted to crash on the couch, maybe watch a movie with Bucky. When he tossed his stuff by the door, he looked around the apartment. 

 

“Barnes?”

 

“In the bathroom,” he called. Sam noticed his voice was shaking a bit. 

 

“You alright?” Sam asked, walking passed the bathroom door, surprised to see it open. Bucky was staring at the mirror, a disposable razor in his hand. “Barnes? What are you doing?”

 

“What’s it look like? I’m shaving my face for myself for the first time in about 70 years.”

 

“Your hands are shaking.”

 

“Are they?” He sighed. “Haven’t held a blade to my face in years. It’s a bit daunting.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Give me the razor, we don’t need you slicing your face.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m gonna do it for you. Then we’re gonna find you one of those nick-prevention razors.” Sam gently pulled the razor from Bucky’s hands. “Here, sit down and hold still. How close you want it?”

 

“Clean shave.”

 

“You sure man?”

 

“Yeah. I’m sure.” He sat on the edge of the tub and tilted his head up. Sam carefully started shaving Bucky’s face, shifting his face as needed. It felt more intimate than it needed to be. Sam pushed that feeling down. He was just helping out a friend. That’s all it was.

 

Sam tapped the razor against the sink. “Alright, all done.”

 

“How do I look?” Bucky asked, looking up at Sam with wide eyes.

 

Sam exhaled sharply. “Younger.”

 

“What?” Bucky stood up and looked in the mirror. When he saw his reflection, his face broke into a smile. “God.” He shook his head. “I’m starting to look like me again.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sam was awoken in the middle of the night by a door slamming and the sound of the kitchen sink being turned on. Sam sighed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes before flinging his legs over the side of the bed and walking out of his room. He found Bucky splashing water into his face in the kitchen. Sam flicked the light on.

 

“Hey, man. You okay?”

 

Bucky shook his head. “That train. That fucking train.” He rubbed his face, and Sam noticed he was shaking. “The sky rushed by so fast. And I-I just...”

 

“Hey. It’s okay, you’re safe,” Sam told him. “I’m gonna make you some tea, and we’re gonna sit our asses on that couch and watch a Disney movie.” Sam busied himself with making Bucky a mug of tea, fully aware of Barnes watching his every move. When Sam handed Bucky the mug, he saw the man was still shaking. “Cold?”

 

“A bit.”

 

“Come on.”

 

The two settled on the couch, a large blanket wrapped around the both of them while Sam flipped through Netflix, deciding on a Disney movie for them to watch. Bucky had his knees up to his chest, staring blankly at the screen.

 

“Are you okay, James?” Sam asked, turning to look at the man. “And be honest.”

 

Bucky shook his head. “Not really. I haven’t… That train, I just…”

 

“Come here,” Sam said, opening his arms and moving closer to Bucky. Bucky slumped against him as they continued to watch the movie. Eventually, the two both fell back to sleep, Sam’s arm still draped over Bucky.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! This story is coming to a close soon, I'm thinking about 3 more chapters. Thank you to everyone who's stuck with this story!

“We have a new assignment for you,” Maria Hill said to Sam and Bucky. “It’s an undercover job.” She looked between the two. 

 

“Okay? Why are you being weird about it?” Sam asked. 

 

“Well,” Maria said, “you would be going undercover as a married couple.” She looked at Bucky, judging his reaction.

 

“What, am I supposed to be the one upset by this?” Bucky asked, looking between Maria and Sam. “You guys know the rumors about me and Steve were mostly true, right? We literally lived in  _ Brooklyn _ , one of the only queer cities at the time.”

 

“So, you’re okay with the mission?” Maria asked him.

 

“Yes, Hill, I’m fine.”

 

“Good. Wilson, you are dismissed. Barnes, we have some matters to go over with you, privately.”

 

Sam looked at Barnes, who gave him a small nod. He would be okay on his own, he silently promised. Sam sighed and stepped out of the room, lingering by the door while he waited for Barnes.

 

When Barnes walked out of the room, he had a box in his hands, and a soft smile on his face.

 

“What’s that?” Sam asked him as they walked towards the elevator. 

 

“Box of my belongings from the Smithsonian. Apparently since I’m not dead, I can have these things back.” He picked up a chain that Sam immediately recognized as dog tags. “Never thought I’d see these again.” He tossed them in the box and picked up a small leather-bound book. “Oh, my god.”

 

“What?”

 

Bucky smiled, stuffing the box under his arm so he could flick through the pages. “I thought this would have been lost forever.”

 

“What is it?” Sam asked, looking at Bucky as he gazed at the notebook with so much care. 

 

“My old stories. I used to dream of being a science fiction writer. I wrote stories with advanced technology like a phone you could carry with you anywhere, a typewriter with access to all the information in the world.” He paused. “Of course, both of those things actually exist now.” he ran a finger along the ink on the page with such care it made Sam smile. 

 

“Well, maybe this just means you write new stories. Invent new advanced technology. Or, you could write for a new genre, like fantasy, or horror.”

 

Bucky smiled and tucked the book back into the box. “Thanks, Sam.” He looked through the box some more, his fingers freezing. Sam saw his eyes cloud with tears.

 

“James? Are you okay?”

 

He picked up a picture of himself and a skinny, sickly Steve from the 40s. Sam saw his hands trembling, and the tears threatening to slip from his eyes. He brushed his thumb over the picture of Steve’s face as a tear fell.

 

Sam gently gripped Bucky’s hand in his own. “Hey. Are you alright?”

 

“Fine,” Bucky said, but the crack in his voice betrayed him.

 

“You really miss him, don’t you?”

 

Bucky’s grip on the picture became tighter. “Some days more than others.”

 

Sam wiped away the tear rolling down Bucky’s face. “We can go visit him if you want.”

 

He shook his head. “It would be too hard, Sam. Seeing him all old.” He put the picture back and scrubbed his face with his hands. “Let’s just- let’s just get ready for the mission, do what Hill asked us.”

 

* * *

 

“You boys ready to go?” Sharon asked when Bucky and Sam walked up to the jet. “Packed some winter coats? Colorado can be freezing this time of year.”

 

“Yeah, we’re good. You said a week, right?”

 

“If everything goes to plan.”

 

“Then let’s go, Barnes,” Sam said. 

 

Sam and Bucky boarded the jet, tossing their bags into the cubicles. Sam looked over at Bucky and realized something was off. Barnes was quieter than usual and he seemed jumpy. 

 

“Hey, man, you okay?”

 

“Fine. Let’s just go, get the intel and get home.”

 

Sam watched Bucky as he took the pilot’s seat, starting up the jet. Something was off, he knew it. But Sam couldn’t tell what it was. The ride to the house was made in silence, a slightly awkward silence at that. When they landed and got into the house, Bucky threw his bag on the couch. 

 

“I’ll be back,” he said. “Gonna go walk the perimeter, make sure we’re safe.” Barnes walked out to the back porch, letting the sliding glass door slam.

 

About five minutes later, Sam decided to go check on Barnes. When he opened the door, he was immediately met with the scent of cigarettes. Sam sighed and noticed Barnes standing against the side of the house. 

 

“Alright, man. What’s going on? You’ve been acting strange ever since the meeting with Hill.”

 

“Nothing. Just haven’t smoked in a while with some of the meds they had me on. Finally got off of them a few days ago.”

 

Sam sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Okay. Fine. I’ll drop it. But we have to start acting like a couple soon or people are gonna get suspicious. Also it’s cold out here, I don’t want you getting sick.”

 

“Can’t get sick, Wilson.”

 

“Point’s the same. Finish that one and get in here before you freeze. I ordered pizza and a few liters of soda.”

 

The rest of the night was just as tense between Bucky and Sam, and Sam couldn’t figure out why.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam was propped up in the bed he and Bucky were to share, reading a Stephen King book before falling asleep. He rubbed his eyes a bit and refocused on the page when he heard Barnes knock on the door. 

 

“You don’t need to knock, James. It’s your room, too.” Sam replaced his bookmark and looked up as Bucky entered, holding a pair of scissors. “What’s up?”

 

Bucky held the scissors, handle-first, out to Sam. “Cut my hair?”

 

“What?”

 

“I-I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling earlier. I didn’t know how to put it in words. But, seeing that stuff- those old pictures, those memories- I don’t want this,” he gestured to his long hair, “anymore. I-I want to feel more like me again, even if it’s not exactly the same.”

 

Sam nodded. “Okay. Let’s head to the bathroom, okay? I’ll cut your hair over the sink.”

 

Sam and Bucky headed to the bathroom and Bucky sat in front of the sink. Sam gently combed out his hair before he started looking over the long locks. 

 

“How short do you want it? Like it was back then?”

 

“Well, I found something I think might work,” he said. Barnes pulled out his phone and showed Sam a picture.

 

Sam smiled. “Still going for the ruggedly handsome look, huh? Okay, yeah, I can try that.” Sam cut the first strand off, and he felt some tension leave Bucky’s body. Sam continued on, carefully making sure Bucky’s hair was even. When he was done, he gently set the scissors on the counter. “Done.”

 

Bucky looked in the mirror and ran his fingers through his newly short hair. He huffed out a laugh. “I love it. I look…”

 

“You look like James Dean,” Sam chuckled.

 

“Who?”

 

“Have I seriously not made you watch Rebel Without a Cause yet? Guess I know what we’re doing tonight!”

 

The two of them climbed into the king-sized bed they were supposed to be sharing for the week, and Sam pulled up the movie on his laptop, through a lot of internet searching. About halfway through the movie, Sam felt Bucky’s head slump onto his shoulder. Glancing over, he saw Barnes was peacefully asleep. Sam smiled and stopped the movie, setting his laptop to the side and gently laying Barnes down on the bed before pulling the covers over the both of them. They had to get to work in the morning, sleep was probably the best idea for them both.


End file.
